More Than Just A Body

    Hey Angels ᥫ᭡️!, 

            With today's post we'll be getting personal. Before we get into it because I do want this space to be a place of safety and comfort I would like to say trigger warning if you're not comfortable with the topic of sex or SA please refrain from reading any forward!  I recently came across someone's blog expressing their values, views, and sense of feeling behind about not yet losing their virginity. Their post really hit home and I was able to resonate with them because it is exactly how I felt before losing mines. So I thought maybe I could share my thoughts on it/ story so please take anything I say with a grain of salt or as advice. I'm just here to share and give advice if needed! 

                While reading it made me realize that there's this pressure, a silent pressure when it comes to ones virginity especially in high school. It basically becomes a race to something we don't even know that we're in. This is a time at least to me where I notice everyone starts to lose their virginity that it becomes the talk of the school. Always hearing stories via friends or classmates, having people ask me why haven't I lost it, or even being questioned if I already had lost it because I didn't seem like a virgin whatever that means?? It felt like I needed to hurry up and get it over with when reading the post on the apart of feeling behind it hit close to home. I also have always felt behind but that's also may be because I was but also wasn't trying to necessarily lose it? To me sex at first well I don't know actually I never really ever thought about it growing up? I didn't have the talk with my parents I was just told to keep my legs closed and not end up pregnant because boys only wanted one thing and that I needed to be smarter. So I didn't have anything to actually put a thought to it? 

                Won't go into details but growing up I was SA by two people that are to considered to be "family" so because of this I felt as if this was the only way I would be "loved". So whenever I spoke to someone in romantic manner and sex was brought up I guessed I deemed it normal? But deep down I guess I knew it wasn't? I hated the nudity pictures I would get and hated it even more when they would ask because it wasn't even months in it was always right away like I'm talking a few days a week max in. But it was all I knew, that was it okay that this is what "love" was. There was once a time that I could've lost it during high school now I'm not exactly sure what may have been going on during their life but my boundaries were definitely crossed I expressed I didn't want too yet I know I shouldn't have but at the time because we were friends I allowed it? But when it was coming close to the time of us doing it I completely broke down and the look on their face it was like they no longer wanted me? We're no longer in contact we actually stopped talking right after well more so like they avoided me even if we were in the same classes... In that moment I decided I wouldn't try again that I didn't want anyone ever giving me that look ever again so like in the post I wrote " Sorry To All The Guys I Ghosted"  says once anyone ever brought the topic of sex up or even tried being touchy or anything really I ghosted them because I just couldn't handle that nor wanted to feel used ever again. 

                I didn't lose it in high school but just recently I lost it three months ago before my birthday and it was a good experience actually. I won't lie and say I didn't hesitate I did but they made me feel safe something I hadn't felt with anyone else. The moment just all of it was actually special you know? He made me feel loved and truly cared for. He didn't let me feel uncomfortable if I seemed like if even was he would stop and make sure I'm doing okay and wouldn't continue unless I was completely sure of it. It wasn't rushed which is what I liked because it didn't feel like it was going to be a done and over thing. Once it was over I still felt that love. The after care was something I guess is what I wasn't expecting because of previous experiences? Again like I said my ideology was that this was the only way I would be loved but he didn't let me believe that. To this day he makes sure that I know that I'm so much more than just my body. So when people say waiting for the right time and person is worth it trust and believe that it actually is!

            If you're reading this and you feel as if you're being pressured into "getting it over with" or that you're behind because you're choosing to wait please remember that your boundaries are to always be respected. You're in the right path regardless on what you choose to do with your body. And I whole heartedly hope you all meet someone who does make you feel safe, loved, and valued. If you guys would like to ever talk one on one for any advice or just overall talk I'm always here! We can always chat over comments, via social media, or the google form I have posted up which is anonymous if you aren't comfortable with sharing your names! Stay safe and hydrated angels!

                                             -Mayrin