Low Tide

Dear Angels, 

             Mental health. I don't believe that's something we have actually talked about on this page but after this past weekend I think we may need too. I'm not exactly sure what happened that I basically exploded. By exploded I mean have a complete break down that I would just not stop crying. Saturday had been completely fine you know just my typically day of going to the store and do some grocery shopping then Sunday came around. What was supposed to be a fun day turned to a day where I felt humiliated, claustrophobic, and the same way I felt as a little girl just waiting for the worst to happen. I had plans with some friends to go out to the next city for a Día de los Muertos festival but the day had started with me stressing over my school work. My assignment is that I have to do a research paper based on child development but interviewing someone. Which I had almost practically finished until I got to the part where I needed to use the book assigned for some terms to be defined in order to connect it to the paper. UGH ONLY FOR THE BOOK TO BE REMOVED FROM MY FILES!!!  I emailed the professor and everyone I could think of that could help me only to be told that it seemed like I was opted out of the class?? Which hello I'm not?? So that stress started settling in. I had already texted my friends that I didn't want to go. But she showed up to my house. Saying she wanted me to also go because she was nervous about seeing her ex (he doesn't live too far from the event) and being seen with our guy friend and it seeming like something it wasn't. I know I shouldn't have gave in but I felt like I had no choice? 

                I was okay at least I assumed I was okay even when picking up our friend in order to head to the next city. I wasn't really talking but then again I don't really talk with this group of friends. Which is weird in a sense for me? I may be introverted but if you know me you know once I begin talking and I'm comfortable I do not shut up.  As we got there and were starting to walk around I was trying to put my phone into the front pocket of my skirt. But guess what? MY SKIRT WAS COMPLETELY RIPPED! And I'm not talking about a small rip I'm talking a huge rip starting from the left side of my zipper practically half way down my skirt! As soon as I realized I had let my friends know that I wanted to find a place for me to find some pants or shorts just anything you know? There was basically nothing. My shirt was somewhat long so it did cover it for the most part. I even had my sweater so I was using that as well to cover it. But I just felt so embarrassed the entire time walking around. It was heavily packed as well. Me and crowds? Yeah no we don't mix at all. I think thats when my anxiety started settling in but I kept trying to push those feelings away and be okay. I was supposed to be having fun wasn't I? As we kept walking around I started feeling slightly claustrophobic so I started walking off to find an emptier spot just anything so I can get some air. I was tired and anxious and nothing was helping. Then we ran into her ex.. 

                I don't mind when people hold my arm but when I'm already feeling super out of it and not fully there and they decide to start squeezing me to start hurrying up without letting me know what was actually happening? Yeah no I'm definitely going to feel some way and want you off of me. When we reached the end of the path we turned back to look through the other stands. Then the pulling happened. Again as I said I was trying to get out of the crowds, to find an easier way to navigate through the walkway so I had no idea we were crossing or that I was walking towards where her ex was at. That was until our guy friend had pulled my arm back so hard I felt like I was going to fall down. I don't like when people grab all of sudden well I don't like people touching me in general unless I gave or give the okay for it. So once we were away from the ex in a semi non crowded area all I heard was me getting yelled saying why would I go towards the ex why wasn't I paying attention. I don't know what it was but I started yelling back but my voice was cracking. No matter how hard I tried to defend myself I started feeling like I was helpless because said friend who's ex it was wasn't even saying anything just watching s the two of were going at it. Eventually after maybe another hour that's when we started to leave. Once in the car my hands were completely shaky and I just broke down. Everything just felt like it was spinning and nothing made sense. Dinner was quiet I was basically ignored by other said friend. Not that I cared in the moment I just acted like they weren't even there. Then finally home I completely broke down once again and I didn't stop. I haven't cried so hard in so long and then the worst happened I let every negative thought consume not that I wanted too but I felt the loneliest I ever had. that night. 

                 The last few days I've been trying to collect myself and not let those thoughts invade my mind. Maybe I haven't allowed myself the last few months to actually feel any negative emotion. I been sucking it up just being the bubbly happy going friend. Yet it doesn't feel like I can be that right now not for a while maybe..  I think being that friend and being the one to always be there for others has felt like I'm not allowed to be upset. But then again depression has always been part of me so has anxiety. I mean I got diagnosed at 12 with these things and I thought I had been getting better. The moments like Sunday though? The way I completely broke? I don't get it. How something could've made me feel the way I do. Going forward these next few days I decided I'll be stepping back from those two "friends".  I need to take care of me at least to the best of my abilities. I still don't feel all that great. My mental health may not be the greatest at the moment but I'm definitely going to try to stay out of that dark place. So angels please whenever you know in your gut and heart that you're not doing okay or know that you can't go somewhere for your own well being please listen to your body! As always despite my current mental state my DMs and google forms are always open! Stay safe and stay hydrated! 

- Mayrin              

Bits & Pieces

 Hey Angels! 

         I'm a bit brain fried and have no clue on what to actually write about. So I guess this will be another random yap session ! 

    ✨Recap on the last few days✨

                Totally feeling better after my migraine but I did wake up the next day with that post headache feeling?? Has anyone else ever woken up still feeling all achy after a migraine? It doesn't always happen to me. But safe to say that the medication they prescribed did work but I'm iffy on the side effects that I felt and may possibly feel the next time I may need to take one for my migraines... think the experiences I saw of others may have spooked me a tadddd bit😶. OH I did also get prescribed some vitamins to help prevent them a work in progress is what they are. So I'll keep you guys updated if those are actually working or not.

            School so far is going okay for the most part at least. I finished two finals which I semi feel good on. I say semi because my CDV one definitely took me a lot longer to finish than what I was expecting. I think I did good though? Got maybe three wrong just waiting for the written response to be graded. As for my English class thats what I'm iffy about I know what I'm doing in that class but it sometimes gets really confusing especially the group work because I have some members who don't talk so the group part of our assignments don't always get fully completed until like the day its due. So all I'm hoping is for that eventually that gets situated soon. 

            Some of you have left your instagrams in the google form I have set up so I think I'm finally going to use the instagram I created a while ago. I wasn't sure what I wanted to use it for per say. Originally I thought maybe a digital junk journal? Something separate from the other two I have my friends and family on. I don't really have any other ideas for it so I think that's what I'll do just bits and pieces of my day/ life? Because I do want this blog to be private from friends and family I think I'll keep my face off that page in the meantime! I'm still debating whether it'll be private or public account but here it is! So follow if you'd like too! I'll post their soon..maybe lol. 

            Lately I've been watching the secret circle on youtube. May have started solely for the purpose of Phoebe Tonkin. So far I'm on episode 15 & its been pretty interesting so far. Totally unfair that they killed off Nick so soon he had some potential for sure. AND UGH him and Melissa? Hated the start of them but they had grown on me. I've also been rewatching majority of kathniel (Kathryn Bernardo & Daniel Padilla) movies. It's definitely been different rewatching them now that they aren't together anymore but they sure did know how to make romance movies🫠.  I don't have much to say anymore at least I don't think? Soo guess that's all for now. Stay hydrated and stay safe angels! 

-Mayrin

Migraines Why Do They Even Exist?!

 

Good Morning Angels!

            So it's currently the morning after experiencing a migraine. Well at least the start of one. I finally went to the doctors after dealing with said migraines the last couple of months on a weekly basis and got something prescribed believe its called sumatriptan? Lowkey I was afraid to take them because I made the mistake of looking it up on tiktok and what did I get? Everyone's bad experience!! So I literally sat on my bed for a while debating to even take it (a mistake it was getting worse). Eventually I did and I did experience some side effects people mentioned so I didn't really like that? My body felt all hot and my lips went numb?? I felt really mellowed out honestly. I don't even remember falling asleep either but I'm grateful for that part because sleeping with a migraine?? Yeah no zero stars don't recommend.    

                  What weirds me out a bit is that I didn't even feel myself getting this migraine. I normally have some sort of feeling as to when or how quick I'll get it. Example my neck will feel really stiff and I'll feel super tired or I'll be dizzy and the lights will start bothering me and then thats when I feel the pain above my eyebrow. But yesterday? Nothing? Then again yesterday was just super hectic. Working with preschool definitely isn't the easiest but yesterday's shift was a whole different level and on top of that finding out my mom got hurt at work? My anxiety was completely through the roof and not being able to leave as early from work didn't help either. I did end up getting an anxiety attack later on in the day so maybe that's why I didn't notice my migraine creep up on me? I do have work again today so I'm hoping the kids aren't too hectic but it's also friday🫠... So here's to hoping todays a better day because I sure do feel better! That's all for now maybe I'll post again later today. Stay hydrated and stay safe angels!!

-Mayrin

Comfort Isn't Always A Trap

 Dear Angels, 
            So I think I'm starting to actually realize that I may be in love with B.A. (aka boy A). I use to think I was or at least when I talk with my friends and tell them that I am but lately my feelings have changed? Not as in I'm loosing them for him but they're developing further? 

            I was told by an ex friend (stopped being friends just about a month ago) that my feelings were simply comfort. That because I was comfortable with B.A. and how long we had known each other that my feelings were simply that and I think at some point I started to believe them because in their eyes what was going on between me and B.A. didn't seem to be all that real. I mean they were still supportive of us but it was comments like that which made me question so much when I knew deep down it wasn't like that.

             In a way it seemed like they were maybe trying to make me view things their way? Which I can understand. But they would talk so much about what they did for their partners / who they were chasing after and experienced and were saying how it didn't seem like I was going in that direction that I was just stuck in one place and wouldn't move any further with B.A. We all have different perspectives on love and I knew mines and B.A. didn't have to be loud the way others may have it. I knew deep down that because we've known each other since we were 11/12  (he's a few months older so I had just turned 11 and he was going to turn 12) years old that our dynamic isn't the loud and dramatic way we've always been on the quieter side and showing each other we cared for one another in our way even it's quiet we both know to what extent what and how we actually feel for one another. So why? Why was I doubting his and mines feelings because of a friends input?
           Maybe I should start with a bit of backstory about us and how we've always been with one another? So let me get into it lol. We met in 6th grade, I've always been the quieter introvert whereas he's always been the out going extrovert. Opposites is what we are in literally everything. We had become friends due to him continuously wanting to speak to me. Like I mean he would not give up until I did and that may sound annoying or strange on his part but I never gave it a chance at first I spoke to everyone in class but him actually. I'm not sure why I was friendly to everyone but I think it weirded me out how much he wanted to speak to me? I mean yes I made friends easily but never one that actually was persistent about it. Eventually I did end up letting him but that was due because of him talking so much our teachers sat him next to me which turned into him being my partner for every class discussion, project, etc. So once we started talking that whole trope of sitting the talkative guy next to the quiet girl did not work out for teachers because we started talking there was no shutting up that we literally had to be separated😬. It continued from there always ending up in the same classes, choosing each other as partners, eating lunch together, and walking around campus together. We were inseparable to this day actually. Obviously except for the three years we didn't speak to one another. I mean it would've eventually happened you know me catching feelings? Now fast forward to where we are now. I know I've always had feelings for him but looking at it now from a perspective of actual romance it's different opposed to how I felt when we were kids.
            He's never been quiet well at showing affection so I guess thats why said friend assumed things weren't exactly going well. But to me well I know that he was and still is trying really hard to this day to show that. He's just more of an action forward than words. He's always protected me since we were kids. Used to tell me that he would one day take me away from home because he disliked how bad things were for me. Now whether that was just something he said to make me feel better or he actually did mean it, it was moments like that which made me feel like he did care for me. He gives in when I'm upset he'll try to comfort me as much as he possibly can. I want to try something new ? He makes it happen whether thats trying a new food spot or a new hang out location. I want to get my face painted with him? He's right there sitting with me getting his painted as well. I don't feel safe and want to go home? He's a call away. He's made sure I always knew that he would be there for me no matter what. As of lately we're getting to know each other in a new light which has been great we started off as friends so having that foundation has really helped because we don't have to build that trust up from scratch. Now we're just learning how we are as adults. What's happening between us isn't just nostalgia like others have made it out to be. It's a choice. There is romance between us, maybe not the way others may want it to look like but for us it is everything because we know how we want things to go neither of us want to mess up so we're taking our time as much as we can. I mean I still am experiencing romantic/cute gestures from him. 

            Examples to name a few at least:

• Receiving flowers 
• Stargazing/ pointing any constellations for me
• Listening to oldies while talking about life
• Him linking our arms when we're in a crowded place (I get super claustrophobic) 
• When picking me up from school immediately asks me how class/ is interested in what I learned 

         He's the person who's been my anchor my entire life, from when we were kids to me getting sick to getting my transplant surgery and to the heartbreaks I've had. He's my safe place. Whether we are comfortable it doesn't mean we're stuck we're moving at our pace. For once things truly feel real. I have someone actually demonstrating that they want me and only me that I am worth it and that's really all I ever wanted. The fact that it just happened to be someone I've known my whole life just makes those feelings and moments with him so much more worth it. 

            I may have thought I was in love with him from the gecko but now actually seeing how we are now I think I am angels. I think I am falling for him so much deeper than I would've imagined and that's a bit terrifying for me. Not in a way that I don't want it to happen but in a way that I don't know how to go about it. Normally I start ghosting someone when I even feel an ounce of feelings but I can't do that with him. I don't feel the need to run away or hide my feelings. I want to show him what I feel to make sure that he understands and knows that I don't plan on turning away. So is that love? To feel a sense of safety? To want someone so bad that you can't picture things going any other way? To know that they feel just the same? I think I'm okay with feeling a little scared though because to me it means that I am willing to try and work things out. I'm happy and I think thats all that really matters

            I think that's all for now angels but I'll talk to you guys soon!! Stay hydrated and stay safe as always🤍✨🪽

- Mayrin

🎬 02; 🥧🪒

 

Hey Angels!,

                So for today's movie review Sweeney Todd was recommended for a new October watch. What I wasn't expecting it to be was a musical!! Nobody warned me lol I don't typically watch musicals (so if you have some recs comment / send them my way!!) so it caught me off guard when they started singing. Moving on besides it being a musical it was actually a good movie. BUT BOY DO I HAVE QUESTIONS!!

                The blood completely caught me off guard with how fountain like it was?? Like it was just squirting out😭 and how it was mainly the only color we actually see besides when it cued to Mrs. Lovett and her fantasy of the life she wanted with Mr. Todd. Which hello also brings another question how is it that she actually knows him? Did I miss when it showed crossing one another before he was imprisoned?? Though she was obsessed with Mr. Todd I loved the dynamic between her and toby and wish we could've seen more of them together. It was so heartwarming when he came in singing talking about nothing would harm her as long as he was around and then just for her to lock him down in the bake room?? UGHHH SUCH A BETRAYALLL.!! Did find a bit funny when I realized that majority of the characters Mr. Todd was killing ended up being cast from Harry Potter😭!

                    Lucy being killed was not what I was expecting. I couldn't believe that she had actually been alive the entire time and hellooo why was she was the only one suspicious of the smoke coming from the shop? Did no one find it strange how the worst pies in London all of sudden became the best pies in London? I sure would've... possibly😬. I was devastated when Mr. Todd didn't actually get to reunite with his daughter and the way he was literally about to kill her not realizing it was her?? I do wonder how her life and Anthony's ended up as. Or what happened to Toby after he killed Mr. Todd. So many questions unanswered😩. That's all for now though:)! Drop anything you guys think I should watch next!

Rating; 5/5! definitely kept me on my toes and intrigued 

-Mayrin

Fall Is Finally Here!

 

    Hey Angels!, 

       So new tab alert! For here I plan to be posting about things I would like to hopefully eventually get in the future but for now are on my wishlist! Okiee so for this specific wish list I'll be talking about some of my fall wants. Let's start with hats I'm not sure exactly what they're called but I keep seeing different names for them but I know I worn similar ones back when I was a kid. Would totally steal them from my sister though..  I feel as if these are a perfect accessory! So hopefully I can eventually find one that fits my everyday outfits. I've been into skirts as of lately but I have been wanting a nice jean skirt that actually fits me GOOD🫠 I did recently buy one but it sits on my body so weird? Like it's too baggy at the top but even if I adjust it, it feels awkward on me maybe a different size would've helped because there is a lot of gapping as well in the back. Flared jeans or boot cuts are my total fav but I have been wanting more of a different wash in color? OR! I've seen some with embroidery designs now I know that may not be easy to find especially for a decent price so maybeee I'll attempt to DIY those! Maybe coming soon?? Will need to reteach myself how to do that though. A leather jacket or jean jacket have been on my list for agess I just don't feel like I see them enough anymore? Or if I do they're not that great of quality or a reasonable price🫠. As for the shirt I remember seeing something similar in store one time but I did not have enough on me to actually purchase it so definitely a regret on my end for having have spent on other items😣. Bags okiee I NEED THESEE ugh I've been wanting a Coach bag for the longest time I haven't decided on which in particular but this one has my eyes for sure. As for the chunky ones I love a good chunky everyday bag but no longer have one so I'm on the hunt for a new one, if you have any recommendations please let me know!! Shoe and boots wise I've been wanting to expand my taste in shoes in general I've always worn converses since I was little and recently started wearing some flats and boots so I guess I'm trying to expand into a girlier aspect? Those two are currently what I want to lean into! UGH jewelry!! I love to accessorize! So chunky rings, bangles, and necklaces give me all of them! I have a few in collection right now but for sure want to branch out and get more. OH! what I didn't add are belts I definitely want to get more belts so I can also use them to accessorize. 

Sweet 50᭪༊

       Hey Angels!, 

          Just wanted to come on here and say a million thank yous to everyone who has followed! I know fifty isn't a huge number but it definitely means a lot to me! When I first started I didn't think I would keep up with the page or be as motivated as I have been but that's all thanks to you guys!! I also didn't think so many of you would actually follow or interact so it means so much that you guys! Thank you to everyone who has been giving me advice and helped me with the flow of things! I love that we all come together as a community to help one another! As always stay hydrated and stay safe angels!

-Mayrin

 

Falling Back Into Grandview👻

      Hey Angels !, 

            It's officially October aka my favorite month of the year and as you can guess Halloween is my all time favorite holiday! So keep a look out or run away... I may be posting more than usual lol! Like today's title and show poster I am currently rewatching one of my favorites  ˗ˏˋ Ghost Whisperer ˎˊ˗ I feel as if this show it totally perfect for spooky season. Though at least to me yes it gets a tad bit tooo creepy but that's totally what keeps you intrigued. UHH but I'll never forgive the writers for killing of Andrea!! Don't get me wrong Delia is cool and all but I feel as if she was never truly a friend to Melinda the way Andrea was. I won't say more incase some of you guys haven't watched it but definitely give it a shot a total 10/10 in my book! OH! and Melinda's wardrobe TO DIE FOR!! Literally my inspo as to what I would like to one day dress like. When I think of fall she's who I feel embodies that perfectly.

            Now this isn't the only show I'll be rewatching might be basic but the others are; 

• The Vampire Diaries
• Pretty Little Liars
• Gossip Girl
• Charmed
• Gilmore Girls
• One Tree Hill
• Buffy The Vampire Slayer

        As for movies they'll definitely be halloween related haven't come up with a list just yet though. If you guys have any recommendations please feel free to let me know! Whether it be movies, shows, or even books!:)           

                       - Mayrin