Sorry To All The Guys I Ghosted

Hey Angels ,

    This post is gonna be somewhat of a personal insight into my love life so bare with me it's gonna be a long post...(｡﹏｡")
     

    So this isn't exactly an apology to the guys I've ghosted because I definitely had my reasons for majority of them... Commitment issues? Maybe? but also would it really be if almost every guy I had spoken too always wanted to have sex immediately or brought up the subject and would be upset if I didn't give in? Yeah sure there was maybe one or two that didn't but things just didn't feel right?? Maybe given the time I could've learned to like them to that same extent? I can't say love because I'm not even sure if that's truly what I felt at the time for them. What I can say is that I did close myself off didn't let anyone in I just couldn't bring myself to lead someone on. It just felt easier to to walk away before things started. But then the stories I've heard and seen of others leading people on it just irks me because why not be straight forward with people on how you really feel?? Why string them along knowing you don't feel the same way? That probably sounds hypocritical since I did ghost or never bothered to open said messages from those who contacted me...

     Or maybe it's because I've always had him in the back of my mind? We'll call him boy A...Subconsciously even when trying to get over him... as bad as this sounds I guess in a way I would be comparing others to him. I mean I've had feelings for him since we were twelve but then it's like what twelve year old knows about love? I sure didn't. Maybe it was when we were fifteen on my quince that I felt my feelings stronger. How we danced right after all my family did with me. Just the two of us there and getting the urge to kiss him but I held back. We stuck by each other through high school even when he did date others. Just shoved the feelings as far down as I could've I couldn't be that "bestfriend" who steals the other girls boyfriend. So I acted like I didn't feel anything and distanced myself as much as I could. Then college happened we grew distanced eventually we stopped talking for about three years. I went on my very first date with another guy [let's call him boy B] during those years it was really fun and it was my dream date. Things we're going great but then it got weird.. don't get me wrong he was greatat the start but our beliefs and selves were completely different. One thing for me well a few things for me mental health is huge for me and how one goes about it so when hearing how he didn't think it was necessarily real or how he couldn't understand how someone can struggle with it instead of pushing forward gave me the ick. I come from a very traditional Hispanic household so when he couldn't comprehend why I couldn't do the things he wanted such as sleepovers at his, staying out late till 4 am, or not always being able to go out as much as he would've liked things got a bit awkward got the third degree as to why wouldn't I just do it or break the rules. So he started mentioning how his ex was able to do all those things and how he tends to go back to her... so yeah the date pretty much ended there. So then just about last year ago me and boy A got back in contact only to realize that we have both liked one another as in more than friends. I mean we tried sticking to being friends at the beginning we spoke about our feelings.. he told me how he felt which I didn't believe it sounded surreal to me so what did I do? Deny! Deny! Deny! that I still even had feelings up until last September whether it was the fact that we were at Santa Monica, the rose he gave me, the kkbq dinner we had that was filled with laughter, the beach, the oldies playing, or the fact that the stars were so visible that night that we were able to make out the little dipper constellation in which he pointed out to me because he saw me counting the stars which then he counted along with me [to be fair no one really does this with me I just get left alone to do this on my own]. So things have been moving slow we had our first kiss this past June. When I tell you middle school me was SCREAMINGGG but it's been nice taking things slow we started as friends have continued that and are letting things grow. Definitely a whole new territory that feels surreal like middle/high school me wouldn't believe any of this happening now. But back to how I was saying that I closed my self off it's been a bit hard showing affection or well more so showing too much? At least to me when it comes to this I never know how to go about things but it also scares me. It's like I'll want go all in but I stop myself not because of him but I just can't explain it? Maybe it has to do with being told by others that I was too much or I wasn't enough that it clouds my mind. Then there's moments like last week while we were kissing I naturally cupped his face you know how it tends to happen in the movies? Yeah it was just like that and the moment just felt endearing like if puzzle pieces were falling into place. It made me realize that I don't have to be afraid when it comes to him. I can be me with him like genuinely me not the version that hides herself, not the version who mirrors those around so I seem likable, nor the one who pretends things are okay for the sake of others. So maybe that's why I ghosted because I wasn't entirely available? Because no one else made me feel like I could show the real me?

    Well I think that may be all for now.. Sorry for the long post guys!!

-Mayrin