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Dear Angels,
So I think I'm starting to actually realize that I may be in love with B.A. (aka boy A). I use to think I was or at least when I talk with my friends and tell them that I am but lately my feelings have changed? Not as in I'm loosing them for him but they're developing further?
So I think I'm starting to actually realize that I may be in love with B.A. (aka boy A). I use to think I was or at least when I talk with my friends and tell them that I am but lately my feelings have changed? Not as in I'm loosing them for him but they're developing further?
I was told by an ex friend (stopped being friends just about a month ago) that my feelings were simply comfort. That because I was comfortable with B.A. and how long we had known each other that my feelings were simply that and I think at some point I started to believe them because in their eyes what was going on between me and B.A. didn't seem to be all that real. I mean they were still supportive of us but it was comments like that which made me question so much when I knew deep down it wasn't like that.
In a way it seemed like they were maybe trying to make me view things their way? Which I can understand. But they would talk so much about what they did for their partners / who they were chasing after and experienced and were saying how it didn't seem like I was going in that direction that I was just stuck in one place and wouldn't move any further with B.A. We all have different perspectives on love and I knew mines and B.A. didn't have to be loud the way others may have it. I knew deep down that because we've known each other since we were 11/12 (he's a few months older so I had just turned 11 and he was going to turn 12) years old that our dynamic isn't the loud and dramatic way we've always been on the quieter side and showing each other we cared for one another in our way even it's quiet we both know to what extent what and how we actually feel for one another. So why? Why was I doubting his and mines feelings because of a friends input?
Maybe I should start with a bit of backstory about us and how we've always been with one another? So let me get into it lol. We met in 6th grade, I've always been the quieter introvert whereas he's always been the out going extrovert. Opposites is what we are in literally everything. We had become friends due to him continuously wanting to speak to me. Like I mean he would not give up until I did and that may sound annoying or strange on his part but I never gave it a chance at first I spoke to everyone in class but him actually. I'm not sure why I was friendly to everyone but I think it weirded me out how much he wanted to speak to me? I mean yes I made friends easily but never one that actually was persistent about it. Eventually I did end up letting him but that was due because of him talking so much our teachers sat him next to me which turned into him being my partner for every class discussion, project, etc. So once we started talking that whole trope of sitting the talkative guy next to the quiet girl did not work out for teachers because we started talking there was no shutting up that we literally had to be separated😬. It continued from there always ending up in the same classes, choosing each other as partners, eating lunch together, and walking around campus together. We were inseparable to this day actually. Obviously except for the three years we didn't speak to one another. I mean it would've eventually happened you know me catching feelings? Now fast forward to where we are now. I know I've always had feelings for him but looking at it now from a perspective of actual romance it's different opposed to how I felt when we were kids.
He's never been quiet well at showing affection so I guess thats why said friend assumed things weren't exactly going well. But to me well I know that he was and still is trying really hard to this day to show that. He's just more of an action forward than words. He's always protected me since we were kids. Used to tell me that he would one day take me away from home because he disliked how bad things were for me. Now whether that was just something he said to make me feel better or he actually did mean it, it was moments like that which made me feel like he did care for me. He gives in when I'm upset he'll try to comfort me as much as he possibly can. I want to try something new ? He makes it happen whether thats trying a new food spot or a new hang out location. I want to get my face painted with him? He's right there sitting with me getting his painted as well. I don't feel safe and want to go home? He's a call away. He's made sure I always knew that he would be there for me no matter what. As of lately we're getting to know each other in a new light which has been great we started off as friends so having that foundation has really helped because we don't have to build that trust up from scratch. Now we're just learning how we are as adults. What's happening between us isn't just nostalgia like others have made it out to be. It's a choice. There is romance between us, maybe not the way others may want it to look like but for us it is everything because we know how we want things to go neither of us want to mess up so we're taking our time as much as we can. I mean I still am experiencing romantic/cute gestures from him.
Maybe I should start with a bit of backstory about us and how we've always been with one another? So let me get into it lol. We met in 6th grade, I've always been the quieter introvert whereas he's always been the out going extrovert. Opposites is what we are in literally everything. We had become friends due to him continuously wanting to speak to me. Like I mean he would not give up until I did and that may sound annoying or strange on his part but I never gave it a chance at first I spoke to everyone in class but him actually. I'm not sure why I was friendly to everyone but I think it weirded me out how much he wanted to speak to me? I mean yes I made friends easily but never one that actually was persistent about it. Eventually I did end up letting him but that was due because of him talking so much our teachers sat him next to me which turned into him being my partner for every class discussion, project, etc. So once we started talking that whole trope of sitting the talkative guy next to the quiet girl did not work out for teachers because we started talking there was no shutting up that we literally had to be separated😬. It continued from there always ending up in the same classes, choosing each other as partners, eating lunch together, and walking around campus together. We were inseparable to this day actually. Obviously except for the three years we didn't speak to one another. I mean it would've eventually happened you know me catching feelings? Now fast forward to where we are now. I know I've always had feelings for him but looking at it now from a perspective of actual romance it's different opposed to how I felt when we were kids.
He's never been quiet well at showing affection so I guess thats why said friend assumed things weren't exactly going well. But to me well I know that he was and still is trying really hard to this day to show that. He's just more of an action forward than words. He's always protected me since we were kids. Used to tell me that he would one day take me away from home because he disliked how bad things were for me. Now whether that was just something he said to make me feel better or he actually did mean it, it was moments like that which made me feel like he did care for me. He gives in when I'm upset he'll try to comfort me as much as he possibly can. I want to try something new ? He makes it happen whether thats trying a new food spot or a new hang out location. I want to get my face painted with him? He's right there sitting with me getting his painted as well. I don't feel safe and want to go home? He's a call away. He's made sure I always knew that he would be there for me no matter what. As of lately we're getting to know each other in a new light which has been great we started off as friends so having that foundation has really helped because we don't have to build that trust up from scratch. Now we're just learning how we are as adults. What's happening between us isn't just nostalgia like others have made it out to be. It's a choice. There is romance between us, maybe not the way others may want it to look like but for us it is everything because we know how we want things to go neither of us want to mess up so we're taking our time as much as we can. I mean I still am experiencing romantic/cute gestures from him.
Examples to name a few at least:
- Receiving flowers
- Stargazing/ pointing any constellations for me
- Listening to oldies while talking about life
- Him linking our arms when we're in a crowded place (I get super claustrophobic)
- When picking me up from school immediately asks me how class/ is interested in what I learned
He's the person who's been my anchor my entire life, from when we were kids to me getting sick to getting my transplant surgery and to the heartbreaks I've had. He's my safe place. Whether we are comfortable it doesn't mean we're stuck we're moving at our pace. For once things truly feel real. I have someone actually demonstrating that they want me and only me that I am worth it and that's really all I ever wanted. The fact that it just happened to be someone I've known my whole life just makes those feelings and moments with him so much more worth it.
I may have thought I was in love with him from the gecko but now actually seeing how we are now I think I am angels. I think I am falling for him so much deeper than I would've imagined and that's a bit terrifying for me. Not in a way that I don't want it to happen but in a way that I don't know how to go about it. Normally I start ghosting someone when I even feel an ounce of feelings but I can't do that with him. I don't feel the need to run away or hide my feelings. I want to show him what I feel to make sure that he understands and knows that I don't plan on turning away. So is that love? To feel a sense of safety? To want someone so bad that you can't picture things going any other way? To know that they feel just the same? I think I'm okay with feeling a little scared though because to me it means that I am willing to try and work things out. I'm happy and I think thats all that really matters
I think that's all for now angels but I'll talk to you guys soon!! Stay hydrated and stay safe as always🤍✨🪽
- Mayrin
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