Low Tide

Dear Angels, 

             Mental health. I don't believe that's something we have actually talked about on this page but after this past weekend I think we may need too. I'm not exactly sure what happened that I basically exploded. By exploded I mean have a complete break down that I would just not stop crying. Saturday had been completely fine you know just my typically day of going to the store and do some grocery shopping then Sunday came around. What was supposed to be a fun day turned to a day where I felt humiliated, claustrophobic, and the same way I felt as a little girl just waiting for the worst to happen. I had plans with some friends to go out to the next city for a Día de los Muertos festival but the day had started with me stressing over my school work. My assignment is that I have to do a research paper based on child development but interviewing someone. Which I had almost practically finished until I got to the part where I needed to use the book assigned for some terms to be defined in order to connect it to the paper. UGH ONLY FOR THE BOOK TO BE REMOVED FROM MY FILES!!!  I emailed the professor and everyone I could think of that could help me only to be told that it seemed like I was opted out of the class?? Which hello I'm not?? So that stress started settling in. I had already texted my friends that I didn't want to go. But she showed up to my house. Saying she wanted me to also go because she was nervous about seeing her ex (he doesn't live too far from the event) and being seen with our guy friend and it seeming like something it wasn't. I know I shouldn't have gave in but I felt like I had no choice? 

                I was okay at least I assumed I was okay even when picking up our friend in order to head to the next city. I wasn't really talking but then again I don't really talk with this group of friends. Which is weird in a sense for me? I may be introverted but if you know me you know once I begin talking and I'm comfortable I do not shut up.  As we got there and were starting to walk around I was trying to put my phone into the front pocket of my skirt. But guess what? MY SKIRT WAS COMPLETELY RIPPED! And I'm not talking about a small rip I'm talking a huge rip starting from the left side of my zipper practically half way down my skirt! As soon as I realized I had let my friends know that I wanted to find a place for me to find some pants or shorts just anything you know? There was basically nothing. My shirt was somewhat long so it did cover it for the most part. I even had my sweater so I was using that as well to cover it. But I just felt so embarrassed the entire time walking around. It was heavily packed as well. Me and crowds? Yeah no we don't mix at all. I think thats when my anxiety started settling in but I kept trying to push those feelings away and be okay. I was supposed to be having fun wasn't I? As we kept walking around I started feeling slightly claustrophobic so I started walking off to find an emptier spot just anything so I can get some air. I was tired and anxious and nothing was helping. Then we ran into her ex.. 

                I don't mind when people hold my arm but when I'm already feeling super out of it and not fully there and they decide to start squeezing me to start hurrying up without letting me know what was actually happening? Yeah no I'm definitely going to feel some way and want you off of me. When we reached the end of the path we turned back to look through the other stands. Then the pulling happened. Again as I said I was trying to get out of the crowds, to find an easier way to navigate through the walkway so I had no idea we were crossing or that I was walking towards where her ex was at. That was until our guy friend had pulled my arm back so hard I felt like I was going to fall down. I don't like when people grab all of sudden well I don't like people touching me in general unless I gave or give the okay for it. So once we were away from the ex in a semi non crowded area all I heard was me getting yelled saying why would I go towards the ex why wasn't I paying attention. I don't know what it was but I started yelling back but my voice was cracking. No matter how hard I tried to defend myself I started feeling like I was helpless because said friend who's ex it was wasn't even saying anything just watching s the two of were going at it. Eventually after maybe another hour that's when we started to leave. Once in the car my hands were completely shaky and I just broke down. Everything just felt like it was spinning and nothing made sense. Dinner was quiet I was basically ignored by other said friend. Not that I cared in the moment I just acted like they weren't even there. Then finally home I completely broke down once again and I didn't stop. I haven't cried so hard in so long and then the worst happened I let every negative thought consume not that I wanted too but I felt the loneliest I ever had. that night. 

                 The last few days I've been trying to collect myself and not let those thoughts invade my mind. Maybe I haven't allowed myself the last few months to actually feel any negative emotion. I been sucking it up just being the bubbly happy going friend. Yet it doesn't feel like I can be that right now not for a while maybe..  I think being that friend and being the one to always be there for others has felt like I'm not allowed to be upset. But then again depression has always been part of me so has anxiety. I mean I got diagnosed at 12 with these things and I thought I had been getting better. The moments like Sunday though? The way I completely broke? I don't get it. How something could've made me feel the way I do. Going forward these next few days I decided I'll be stepping back from those two "friends".  I need to take care of me at least to the best of my abilities. I still don't feel all that great. My mental health may not be the greatest at the moment but I'm definitely going to try to stay out of that dark place. So angels please whenever you know in your gut and heart that you're not doing okay or know that you can't go somewhere for your own well being please listen to your body! As always despite my current mental state my DMs and google forms are always open! Stay safe and stay hydrated! 

- Mayrin